So today is Rizal's birthday, I haven't seen much work stoppage, nor any pistas or paradas. But I'm probably just in the wrong place. There's a lot that's been swimming through my mind and especially through the ink in my pen, but the thoughts and feelings seem to only slip into the tagalog words for my AFAP journal. By the time I get to this area, this virtual storage space, I'm utterly spent. Some quick and fairly incoherent fragments will follow.
First, I'm starting to feel a bit strange about the Philippines and especially the program that I'm attending. I've hinted before about the strange alchemy of "premodern" trust and "modern" paranoia coursing through the circuits of everyday Philippine political economy. For instance, in my first jeepney ride since whenever (1987?) I noticed the manner in which one pays for one's "bayad" or fair. The driver doesn't even look back and people pass the fair from person to person and yells "bayad po" and declares how many they are paying for. The driver will trust whatever you say and simply makes change but keeps driving. People can jump on or leave whenever, but there is a certain sense that you can't really "cheat" anyone in this situation. But at the same time, this system, the Jeepny or "dyipni" might seem backward, or premodern. After all there seems to be so many opportunities for either the driver or the passenger to cheat the other. Moreover, there seems to be no actual organized or better put "official" method of collecting fairs. Even getting on and getting off the dyip is random and subject to an instant decision. In this sense, if one peeks from the blanket from under the blanket of the first world (or the modern) one can easily point to this system as a simulcrae for the backwardness, underdevelopment, and semi-fuedal condition of the Philippines. But to do so would be mistake, for the Philippines is indeed modern, and this mixture of "trust" and "paranoia" albeit frustrating and alien, seems to offer much more hope that the "true" modernity of the West. At this point, I'm not even making sense to myself, but I'll get there.
A second observation, or experience (karanasan for all you tagalog score keepers out there!) concerns the alienation I feel from the Philippines in terms of customs and society. For example, I've been used to living on my own, or at least having the ability to just stay locked up in my room while I study. In fact, while I was "staying" at my sister's for the beginning of June in order not to pay rent, I still spent most of my days at Suzzallo because I would not have been able to get any work done otherwise. Here however, where everyone, including second cousins, run through the house, there's always someone knocking to see what's up, or perhaps telling me that there's some food downstairs or whatever. Moreover, since where I'm staying is not my own family, I feel like even more of a burden. Many of my colleagues, say I shouldn't feel bad, since the program is paying for it, but that doesn't necessary alleviate the sense of being an invader in someone else's home. Indeed, I feel like all the things that I'm uncomfortable with in the Philippines is heightened because I am staying with another family for only four weeks. I feel like one of those people who "observe" from within. A parasite that embeds itself into a body of language in order to suck out any experience that may advance my "knowledge" of Philippine culture, language, society, and custom. I'm not quite sure yet about this program.
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6 comments:
Hi Allan, Maybe you are filtering your mga karanasan too much through the heavily sedimented layers of your recent PTSD (post-traumatic-school-disorder.) I understand this sort of thing is impossible to control by now, we are after all, being trained to criticize. However, rather than think of yourself as an intruder, think of your stay as collaboration. Intruders arrive un-announced and un-welcomed. They often have dubious, self-serving or exploitative motives behind their arrival. I don't think that is you. Besides, might your host family not benefit from your stay as well?
I also see your hesitance in thinking about it in terms of money. Just because someone paid, doesn't mean you can just shut people out whenever you don't feel social. Good luck with that.
I second whatever that Jon wrote.
To illuminate what Jon wrote a bit further, I'm going to tap into the countless stories that Va^n told me about her exchange program with 4-H. Most of the 4-H host families in both the US and Japan do not care about the money they get for hosting a student but rather the experience of having a guest from a different country. They are curious about their guests, and they want to learn from their guests as much as they want their guests to learn from them. For Va^n's program, the students actually have to prepare an activity, such as singing, dancing or cooking, for the host family prior to their departure. Maybe, you can sing them a song from your demo CD.
From what you said about people interrupting your personal space and time, I think it's very similar to Vietnam. It takes time to get used to communal living with people getting in your grill constantly. But I think it's a good thing when it comes to learning because you have to get involved with people -- there's no time to withdraw from the community to reflect and "think."
Take care.
Yes, I understand, I probably am overthinking this whole matter, but that's what I'm paid to do (cash money makers! PhD holla!).
Anyway, yes I have to really set aside a lot of how I'm used to living and really attempt to look at this as exchange (perhaps a gift economy?). Thanks though for the kind words.
Hi Allan,
I totally know how you're feeling! There is no concept of privacy in the Philippines or in Southeast Asian cultures in general, I think - at least, not in similar terms as the Western concept. In a sense, it both helped and hindered my fieldwork. It's always a constant negotiation, but I think you'll have an easier time with all this adjusting as time goes by. It's also due to curiousity. Just know, that I've been through much, much worst! Hope that helps!
Cheryll
ah thanks cheryll. There definitely is a lot more obligation to be "social" in the Philippines, and many times that I just want to lock out the world. But I figure, I only have about 2 and half more weeks until I'm not in a host family situation, and then I should be able to run on a different (my) time. As for you going through much worse, there probably is not doubt the troubles you have, but me being the pessimist, I still have 2 more months to go! Tok tok sa kahoy!
barya lang po sa umaga.
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